Words

I have moved!!

2007-05-05T15:21:00.000+08:00

ahaha, so sorry people,

I TOTALLY FORGOT TO INFORM YOU ALL =P

http://bernard.thinktankmag.net

=)

2007-02-06T21:46:00.000+08:00

"May I have some more?"

The infamous question by the world known Oliver Twist.

"More you say? You want more?!" comes the reknown reply. Followed by the cresando.

Many times. I've always wanted more. Always. And ironically its at those times when my conscience questions. Are you sure you want more? Don't you have enough? And greedily i would always answer back, "Why would I settle for what I have? Wouldn't I want more?

But, the real question is. More of what? Physical things or spiritual things? Necessities such as food and drink are of course needed, but the thing is; am I over-indulging? Eating in the most expensive restaurants, dining at the most exquisite; aren't gonna get me far, instead empty my wallet. I'm not iterating that all is bad. As Paul wrote: All things are permissbile, but not all are beneficial.

Yeah, many critics would say that hey, I'm blessed, why can't I get more stuff. Well, if it benefits you, go on right ahead; I doubt that there are many people which would stop you. But as I (slowly) learnt, though yes, I may in fact have the money to spend, but will it be a blessing to me? Or would purchasing it affect me in any way? Such as distract me from God, my studies or my life as an entirety?

Computer games, for an example is a life draining parasite, camouflaged with the lie: "An epic experience you will never forget". Or something like that, it doesn't matter how they put it. Though I'm not saying playing them would be detrimental in any way, but there are those out there which were designed. Yes -DESIGNED- right at us; to get the player addicted. To pull us away from God. I always wanted to know what had been pulling me away from spiritual things, and finally concluded: The effort and time I spent delving into the harsh, cruel and unforgiving grasp of computer games.

There are many more things, the list goes on and on. But thats just ONE example.

Well, I'm not twarting girls in anyway. Girls should value themselves, donning bracelets, headbands - accessories. Thats the way they're strung out. Looking good isn't going to hurt anyone eh? =)

Questions.

2007-02-05T18:40:00.000+08:00

Be it an interesting one. Random. Embarrassing or just plain funny. They just keep coming. One after another. Like ants. Well, maybe. (If you know what I mean, you know what i mean. Otherwise, go figure.)

Questions bombard me everyday. Challenging, discouraging, tempting, the list goes on and on an on. As though they have a life of their own! Not that I say they're evil or anything of that sort, but they just get out of hand at times. And i don't blame em.

Its times like these, tired and weary - defenseless, when they come. Like a mass of airplanes - all lined up for their bombing run. Think, is all that could be done. One after another, thoughts come, questions - as loud as putting your ear beside a blasting horn - scream through the silence.

I know I'll never hear the end of it.

Oh, that's how I'm wired. Just letting ya'll in on the way I work =P

hahaha..

Mockingbird

2007-01-30T19:36:00.000+08:00

Living life, though time is like cash. Very much like it. Given a total of 24 a day. Only 24. Everything has to be used. Like it or not.

Times come and go. Though I am unaware of things that change. Those things that change slowly. Not evolving. Changing. It's times. Good times like these: the point of utter exhaustion.

A mockingbird comes.
A reminder.

Though you, my reader, may have no idea of what I might be talking about. Doesn't matter. Read on.

The song. though simple, bears an impact. A shuddering one. One that breaks the nervous silence. One full of thought. Of love and full of Joy.

I move. I think. I stop. Everything slows to a halt.

I listen.

It sings again. Louder. Smoother. Nothing mechanical can compare to it.

My mind slows. Worries fade. I listen. A song of worship. Echoing my still silent room.

And the bird, flutters away. Its' song still fresh in my mind.

I lean back, my chair creaks. A grin on my face. Inspired once again.

Hmmmmm

2007-01-15T09:50:00.000+08:00

I need to update!

bleh =P

For a person...

2006-12-31T18:52:00.000+08:00

For a person,
with flowing creativity,
someone who doesn't like being taken lightly;

For a person,
who's wits is always about,
and God on the inside and out;

For a person,
that is never shy,
whose greets are a big smile and a "hi";

For a person,
that has worked tirelessly,
without a hint of complaint or "God have mercy on me";

For a person named Crystal,
I thank you,
For this is dedicated to you,
Even if you can't whistle. (:

Time

2006-11-26T20:48:00.001+08:00

The smell of saltwater. The gentle and cool autumn breeze; the sound of rustling leaves. Into a park I walk with my trusty camera, my symbol of catching every event would resonate in my mind. One shot, two shots, my camera clicks. The ambiance caused by the falling leaves, the emotion of the scatter of sun rays that seep through the canopy of the shedding trees; a grin shapes in my face as I thought of how priceless the scenery was, picture perfect.

My model, handsome, diligent and not even a year old; crawled. My camera went into a chaotic whir as I took picture after picture, not stopping to view how the pictures turned out. No. I couldn't everything that he did; his curiosity locked me in a trance. I couldn't stop admiring the way he looked when a butterfly landed, on a blade of grass right before him. Wide eyed and a wider grin, filled with awe and happiness that even words aren't able to express the emotions which he felt. A hand raised, he reached out for the butterfly, my clicking never stopped. My hands worked meticulously, on the manual camera which I had, working on the zoom, the blur; everything had to be perfect.

Though his blue shirt was stained from crawling, I smiled as I picked him up. My time with him was priceless. He gave a hearty chuckle as he played with my baseball cap. I laughed. Slowly we walked out from the park. There were other places to go...

What it takes

2006-11-26T17:24:00.000+08:00

In life, though short, many times we think we are incapable of doing things. Incapable of seeing success. Unable to reach for the dream in which we so hold dear to our hearts. We always seem to fall short of what it takes to accomplish something. These feelings, depressing as they may be, keep us confined and fearful to step out in faith and answer that challenge.

In my life, I have had many successes and failures. But all in all, God's always been there. Each step or phase for that matter, were strides taken to something bigger. A lot of people in the world might say to an insane thought or idea, "What if your dream isn't God's dream?". Well, I know one thing thats for sure, when God created the world, He used His imagination, He "dreamt", in this sense, saw how He wanted to shape the world, what He wanted in it, before the world came into being our Creator knew what He wanted, and spoke His dream into being. Now, how do we know that our dream is something that God wants us to do? Quoted from Mr. Tom Barnett "The dream has to be bigger than you, seemingly totally impossible. The dream has to be something which you know you can't do unless it was God. The dream has to be something in which He can allow you to shine, and you know it."

What does it take to dream? Or rather, to watch that dream turn into reality? Seeking God out first; and all.. yeah, He was even talking about your dreams, will be added unto you. God knows what I wanted and sort of paved that path for me. And throughout the paces taken, the challenges which I've charged and met head on, most of the time without any planning; struggling and yet "enjoying" the moment or season, I have somehow or rather come out pretty good, cause I serve a good God that sees me though all these things.

It's who I am that God looked at. Not what I am. God wasn't interested at what I could do, the way I presented myself; God looked inside. And thats what it takes.

Though I know that in each step, is a different challenge, a higher calling, something which is always different and appealing to me. How do I know I'm on the right path? I'd be an idiot if I were to ask someone that question.. haha. The answer: "I just do."

Dream

2006-11-18T15:32:00.001+08:00

A grey cloudy sky set before me, preventing any sunlight from seeping through. Far down the horizon I could see a marvelous display of sunrays which managed to penetrate through the thick clouds.

I exhaled. The icy cold air condensed my breath, forming a short small cloud that quickly dissipated. Hands tucked into my longcoat, I waited.

There she was, stepping down the bus. She didn't know I was here. Thousands of miles away from home. Just for one purpose. She had ruddy cheeks and her hair had been dyed a dark brown. I stood there, just admiring how beautiful she was.

I slipped out a box from one of my hands, maroon colored, snapped it open and eyed its contents. Sitting there was a diamond ring, on its' throne of velvet. Closing the lid, I replaced the tiny box back into my pocket.

Drawing in icy air, I gathered my composure.. "Well, it's now or never." And headed out. My boots clicked the sidewalk as I stepped onto it. My heart beat faster as I drew near, there she was, crossing the street. I judged at the point where we would meet, in my head, I imagined the event taking place. One knee soaked in ice cold slush, hand extended....

A grin formed on my face as I increased my pace. I knew, that though I have waited so long, walking faster wont make much of a difference.

She stepped onto the sidewalk, and I was just a few more steps away. When something happend. An outstretched arm from the pedestrians, and she held it. With a smile on her face. Worse, he drew her nearer to him, and they kissed. My world seemingly collapsed.

Then, i felt the comfort of my pillow.. sighing to myself, "Thank God that wasn't real.."

Reminiscing...

2006-11-13T21:08:00.000+08:00

Pondering back at everything, flipping through my history book. Looking at what had been and that which is being. My eyes searching, scanning through each and every page thoroughly not missing a single word. Like a hawk i search, searching my past, marking every significant bit. Pieces of my life which I need to deal with, making sure Im not missing a single piece.

Examining the pieces of myself, embracing each memory, the hurts, pains, laughter and joy. As I viewing I scrunitize at each, bible ready, I reflect my previous endeavours with the Word of God. Marking them, and making a list of things "to change".

At times people think that seeking God is a menial task, something that "those" people can do, which is a fallacy. It all comes to yourself, be it whether you wish to persue that which is important to yourself, or you wish to persue that which of God. Pastors, leaders, parents, friends and family can always help you, guide, direct and be accountable with. In the end, the choice, not decision, its up to you.

Matthew 11:29-31 (KJV)

"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek
and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

At times its hard to forget the past, to forget the awfulness which I've have been inflicted with, be it in the past, or struggles which are gnawing my mind away now. Deluded by lies and deciet I once thought that I could manage our problems by myself, God proved otherwise. "Giving" everything to God was something which, I didn't know how to do. Though I thought at first that it was just letting go, but it was more than that. It was about confronting it.

Sometime ago, I began to read the Word, put it into my heart. Verses that stood out i memorized and personalized. One verse that I would never take lightly again:

Hebrews 4:12
For the word of God is living, and active, and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing even to the dividing of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and is able to discern the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

Allowing God into all my situations, I experienced Him in an entirely different way. And slowly, He molded me into something which I thought was not possible. And I've learnt how to trust Him.. How? Another story for another time. Haha.

As I think about my "to change" list again, the difference is that this time, I have God by my side. But even with that assurance, at times I fear that the situation would overwhelm me, swallow me alive, but God is gracious, one way or another He will deliver me, by faith i know it's something which is just awesome.

Romans 12:2 (KJV)
And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Dizzy

2006-11-09T16:49:00.000+08:00

Spinning round and around... until all sense of balance has been lost, well of course with an empty stomach. Is the only way i could express the way i felt when i was bed-ridden, not a good feeling. So, lying on my bed, with the world practically in an everlasting cyclone that just keeps on spinning (imagine, washing machine)

Of all the sicknesses I've been through, I think vertigo is one of the worst. Losing all sense of balance.. is not a feeling which I savvy.

Anyway, Why I got sick? Its all my own fault anyway for overworking and not eating properly *grins*. Yeah, I've bad eating habits which I need to change. Its day four on my clock, and I'm totally behind time.

Still feeling abeit queasy and nauseous, but all quite fine. Work begins!

Purpose.

2006-10-23T16:14:00.000+08:00

The reason to live. The thing that drives us on. What pushes to do what we do. Making money? Getting a wife? Getting the best job? Having a family? Well i think that those things are all part of the program in which God has instore for us.

My purpose, to live out my life for God. Well, looking at it from a normal perspective, anyone could say whoa! your gonna be a minister? pastor? I'd reply no. Selling yourself out for God is something that.. you do daily. Every moment, every choice, every turn of events. At times, I'd think that, I'm too caught up in my work, too stressed out, too drained. But knowing that God's right there for you, right behind you in everything that you do. And He's proud.. extremely proud when you put your best into it, whether it works out or not, whether everything will go according to plan or not, He's prepared something for us at the end.. something which we won't see from the begining. And at certain moments, I tend forget that it was never the outcome of anything i did. But the process of which I did it. The experience i garnered from things which i put my hands to. Though it would have been short sighted of me not to think of the final outcome, but enjoying the experience, eventhough its routine -i'd make it not routine, i'd change the way I work, change the perspectives i view my work from, thinking, improvising, innovating, always keeping it fresh so i can squeeze everything i can from my work.

It's something that would never be simple. Something thats always been a reminder to what i can do and how i can do it. A challenge in which im charging head on.

Giving Thanks

2006-10-07T00:26:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I feel, Your the only one which truly understands me; the only one whom can deliver me from this turmoil. Once again perhaps I've misplaced my foot, and fell. But Your grace is always there. Your hand always stretched out. How can I ever thank You enough?

Given unto You everything, have I? Holding on to nothing; my hands are empty. I look up and all I see is Your face. Smiling. I look down. I see my hands in Yours. Yes, Your always with me; guiding my every step. Never will I doubt again. Nor will I do anything in my own might. No. Its by Your Spirit, that anything can be done.

So,

All that has happend.. all happend for a cause. All that will happen.. has already been planned out. In my heart. I pray that in everything which I have prayed and fasted for, Father, I pray that they come to pass according to Your Divine Will.

Once again,

I have come to the place. Where theres only You and me. Wonderous. Nothing tangible or intagible could ever compare to this. No. Nothing at all. Only have I wondered why I have to learn lessons the hard way; cause You knew that it was the only way.

Thus,

I thank You once again. For everything. Yes. Everything which You have given, everything that is to come. For always being with me, guiding, and teaching. I thank You.

Games.

2006-09-26T14:14:00.000+08:00

How long has it been? Hmm. I can actually count the years I delved into this expensive addiction. Not only was I addicted, I was also immersed in the "worlds" which were portrayed in the games. Making myself self deluded and ... confused?

For years I struggled to release myself from its vise. The harder I tried pulling myself free, the tighter its hold around me. And as I settled back in, its grip released, enjoying the comfort of my online mates, I continued gaming, pouring thousands of hours into something which I knew was worthless and completely useless for my future.

Looking back, I've been unknowingly addicted to entertainment since I was a small child. More or less by the age of 8 or 9, I've already been exposed to computer games. Computer games were something I would always look forward to playing. It was something that.. brought you out from this life.. this world and put you in a place where you could control, freely, had many lives.. all a big lie.

I suppose I woke up from a dream in which I have overslept for an extremely long time. People could say "I grew out of it" or that "I got bored of it". But for myself, I could say I chose. It was difficult, there was a time where the withdrawal symtoms came. But all in all, I was set free from it. As I realised how bland, pathetic and just vain, it actually was I just thought to myself, how could I not see it? How could I be so blind? It was absolutely amazing when God allowed me to see right through it. When I was in it, i couldn't see, blinded by what was before me. Now that I can see. It would be something which I would never step my foot in again.

Well, I'm not saying games are bad. Computer Games have been created to entertain, relief (in a sense) and to bring joy (in a worldly manner). Too much of it would suck you in, and slowly dissolve you from the inside. Until your totally hollow, possibly just a shell. Yeah its that bad. Work hard. Play hard. Seek God harder.

My Boat

2006-09-21T10:19:00.000+08:00

Calm seas, a good wind, smooth sailing. Ah, thats the life. At times after a long time of suffering, struggles and climbing we always tend to kick back and relax. Kinda "enjoy" the scenery abit. Well these are times when God turned my circumstances into a raging cyclone. And rocked my boat hard.

Realising that the boat is not going to hold, I call out to God. "God! God! Why are you doing this??" with my own hands locked in a death grip on the boat. Soon, I realise the winds and waves are slowly taking my wonderful boat apart. God gives and takes away, whenever He wants to. Sometimes there are people that just can't let go. In our own little boats, we always think of how far we can go, always thinking of tomorrow, until we go about things so hurriedly that we don't "stop and smell the roses".

From the raging tempest, a figure emerges. Realising who that is, I call out. "Lord, save me!". As I squint and make of what the figure is trying to convey, only to realise that His hands are held out, waiting. Now, on the other hand, I'm still holding on tight to my prized or perhaps only possession. Totally unaffected by the storm, the figure continues to wait. His arms welcoming me. Knowing that I needed to give it up, I gave a deep sigh, and stepped off the boat.

I jolted as my feet made contact with the water, as it was icy cold my senses went on high alert and the feeling of the uneven surface makes it even more inconceivable. I'm walking on water!! Then fully aware that the sea was raging around me, I gape in terror as I observe the power of the storm with the cyclone before me. Shocked, I slowly start to lose focus and my feet begin to submerge. A voice rings in my head, "FOCUS!". Snapping out from contemplating and analyzing my current situation, with all my willpower, I refocus on the figure standing there before me.

Each step taken was odd, uneven, unpredictable, surreal and far-fetched. Why? Realising as I was treading the water, He was with me all along holding my hand and guiding me. Like a baby, I walked, slow but steady. Yet, there are still times in which I would sink and get my ankles wet, but as long as my focus was on Him, the storm couldn't affect me. However, this time around, I took note of the experiences, the feelings and the grand satisfaction of each step taken.

I've just taken a few strides. Plenty more to come.....

Walls.

2006-09-15T12:05:00.000+08:00

Considered by the military as the first line of defence. For one thing, there is no historical fact on who created the first walls. Seemingly, its our own nature to mark borders, draw lines, and build walls.

In a nutshell, walls are created to protect, a fortification of sorts. A basic defensive wall formation would incorporate towers, the walls, and a gate. Towers are used as lookouts to know as-a-matter-of-factly, what was going on, on the other side of the wall. The gate is the entrance, normally extremely well guarded and whatever that is passing through will be noted.

Now we look at the walls which we, in our hearts, have built up. To protect us from the hate, nonsense and things which we dislike or dispise. Sometimes we don't know how large and thick we have built up the walls around our lives.

Lets take Paul for an example. He was having an extremely fun time persecuting the Christians back then. Grounded in the "Word" and the teachings of the Pharisees, the walls he built himself were massive and solid. Until God's grace touched him, and the walls around his heart crumbled like Jericho's. Leaving him defenseless and completely vunerable, God stepped in. From that moment, he was turned upside down as God cleaned him out and set him back on track. But, it was Paul's commitment to allow himself to stay vulnerable until the day he died.

We may not see it. But it is there.
It starts small...

Then as we are pressured, we build them higher...

More massive...

and complex..

Until, we're so "perfected", in this sense, that we're secure knowing, filtering and making sure that anything that comes in would not hurt us. Now heres the thing, if you want God's awesomeness in your life. Those walls will have to fall, the choice is yours.

Humility

2006-09-14T06:36:00.000+08:00

It's half past six in the morning. Raindrops could be heard falling in a natural hypotic symphony. And I'm just sitting here. Looking at my notes for my final exam due three and a half hours.

The past four months have been so insanely hectic and tasking that I'm finally feeling the full force of the weariness. Even as I read my notes. In my heart, it's somehow amazing how I am able to wake up nowadays, and the first thing that comes to my mind is inviting in the Holy Spirit into my room, into my day.

Reflecting on how transformed I am now, I just stand mouth agape infront of the mirror, outward appearances can only allow people to see you so much, as for your inward appearance, it goes a long, long way. Eight months back I was a slack and a bum, had bad attitudes, just your normal joe. But God decided it was time for me to learn humility.

"Seek first the kingdom of God and its righteosness and all these shall be added unto you". Noone with pride in their hearts will go seeking, I'd actually want those things to seek me out! haha, yeah that was how i was. Bad huh? "Ask and you shall recieve, seek and you shall find, knock and it will be opened unto you". God's telling us to be humble before Him, with pride, we cannot see the things God has installed for us. People tend to say, Lord where are you? Why have you forsaken me? While its not God that left them, but they that have fallen away from His wonderful grace.

Humility is not easy to learn. Courage, patience and trust was built through a slow and menial series of lessons which God put me through. Each time I learnt something, He struck out something on His "Spring Cleaning" list. How loving is He that would help us get back on track so that we can be with Him? Insane thought huh? Sometimes, God will whisper to us, giving us some outrageous thoughts. Just to see whether we're willing to allow His will to be done or that our pride overcome it with ourselves doubting and holding back.

Our creator, humbled Himself to die for us. Humbled Himself to associate with us. Why can't we answer that humility in return?

Pics? Here you go!

2006-09-04T18:46:00.000+08:00

Sunrise..

2006-08-30T07:02:00.000+08:00

For perhaps the first few times in my life, I actually enjoyed staying up late and waking up early (at about 5:00 am). Cambodian mornings are entirely different. The reason being that the sun rises at 6:00-6:30.

Now, being a fanatic, I disciplined myself to wake up just to do devotion with the kids. But I suppose that instead of blessing them, God has blessed me in various ways, yeah with me waking up at 5 am and being the first to wake up at times, I would holler into the rooms, giving them a good ol' wake up call. (its too bad i didn't have a loudspeaker *grins*).

Walking out into the darkness and just sitting there just looking at the sunrise was astounding.. from a pitch black sky, to a gradient of cyan, blue, yellow orange and red. Watching sillhouttes of palm trees sway side to side as they're blown by a breeze in the cool morning was surreal. Somehow every morning I do that, this verse from Psalms "Be still and know that I am God".... just hits me.

Devotion with them was amazing, as I enter each of the different dorms every dawn, you can practically see their hunger for the Word. A thrist for a word from heaven. Dispite each dorm being individual in their devotions, as I step foot into a dorm, they would be asking me the same question. "Good Morning Brother! Brother! Are you sharing today?", with a look in their eyes which noone could turn down. Back here, doing my quiet time alone just isn't the same. Yeah, I agree that we need solitude with God, but the fact that they just allow you to blend right into their groups and because they were just children that were so hungry for the Word... was amazing in itself...

Matt 19:14
Let the children come to me, do not stop them, because the kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these.

Untitled

2006-08-28T18:46:00.000+08:00

Its only been two days since touchdown at the KLIA LCCT airport, and I'm already feeling homesick eventhough I know that I shouldn't. And yeah sorry, no pics as of yet! Just a brief summary of the 8 days of living totally dependant on God and trusting Him entirely.

Meeting up with the team at Church, I don't even know anyone, other than their names, except Kin San. Crystal, Michelle, Han Sean and Beatrice were new to me. We chatted, got along, with the Holy Spirit amongst us, the ice just broke. With anticipation, we boarded our aircraft, only after sitting down we were told to "abandon ship", as there were some technical faults with the aircraft. Thus we sat there for another two hours plus waiting for our next flight. Even during then, we discussed about what we were gonna do, the games sessions, the sport sessions, the teaching sessions.

Flying from the airport for the first time in years was a wonderful experience. The roar of the turbines and the g-forces pulling at you was refreshing. Flying at a monstrous height we soared the skies to Cambodia. As we saw land once again, it was entirely different from KL. Lights were scarce and spread out. It was as if it was a dead town. A main street with two lanes could be seen with very little cars.

Driving back from Phnom Penh Airport at 8pm was indescribable. A sense of dread could be felt as we drove back towards the center in pitch darkness, yeah it was pitch black, so black that if you stood in the middle of the road, and wanted to take a look at your palm, you wouldn't see it. The flashing of highlights and the sounds of car horns were alien. Even watching Uncle Sonny's left hand drive van was mind boggling, as we Malaysians drive on the opposite side.

I can still remember telling the others on the first day, "7 more days to go, what a long time we're gonna spend here", is something that I regret saying. Time passed so quickly as we spent our time with the children, each of us in our own special way. Be it games, CG, a time of sharing, testimony and etc. We just loved being with them.

They looked so suprised as our team was so small compared to last year. Their eyes wide with expectation and anticipation and a curl on their lips as we were introduced to them by Unc. Sonny on the first day, right before breakfast at 6:30 am. Just looking at their expressions has already told me that with us being there was an encouragement to them.

Sitting back here in front of my computer seems so.... strange, not sweating, looking around at all the lights... even listening to my MP3's seems just so awkward in a sense. Thinking of the way they can't pronounce my name properly calling me "berger" the first time I told them my name has imprinted the "Hamburger" nickname. The shouts of "hey brother!!" or "hi sister!!" echoes in my mind, as we'd be greeted by a pat on the back or a hug. Whats the purpose of being a brother or a sister when you don't spend your time with them? A revelation which hit me on the first day. Why call us brother or sisters when we're so selfish with our time, even when we're there? Two questions which got me thinking, which made me make commitments. To make sure that i will use my time wisely with them while I was there in Cambodia, with that being the first Domino, God's plan for me in the team was underway.

I am no leader, eventhough i was trained in a computing institute of how to manage people, control crowds, give presentations, keep attention and all that. I can stand and say that was just the power of the Spirit of God that allowed me to speak to them, and my cg contained people aging from 18-21 (our years) 17-20(khmer years), and there were 20 of them! All I know that, even as I walked to their mess hall, where I would conduct the session, I was praying for God to use me, for me to tell them what He wanted to tell them. With that I guess my prayers were answered.

Even the games were spontaneous, most of what we planned earlier were all innovated and changed. most of which were just planned out a day before the implementaion. All I can say that it was totally amazing. The way God was made real to our group, the way His Spirit moved things according to His will. It's as if God was standing right amongst us telling us.."Trust me", with a beaming smile on His face.

Simplicity sometimes is the best. From the children we could see and feel their simple faith and belief in God. Just that they trust God in everything, small and large. "It was He that brought your team to us." was something that blew me away, which was extremely encouraging. The way they just accept you no matter how you looked, how tall you were or that you were of a different race, left me thinking....

Our hearts, the children and of the team was the same. We all seek God, serve and love Him
in our own special way. The way they conducted their prayer meeting was mind boggling, the way they just step up in faith and just pray for everything / anything under the sun. The "train prayer" which i would call it was just amazing!!! Something i would just love to do / practise. I don't think we have pictures of it. But it'd be awesome if there was.

Yesterday, when I was introduced the "Hear us from Heaven" song at church, I just started tearing. Thinking of the children / teenagers back there. As if they were a family which I left. Sigh, it was an awesome trip. One better than anything I've ever experienced. I can only thank God for that, if it's His will for me to return, I'd go without a second thought.

Full Story yet to come...

Arrival

2006-08-27T19:57:00.000+08:00

Taking off to cambodia and arriving back at Malaysia seems as if I didn't go at all. Which seems to be a short time of my life cut out from reality. A surreal fact which still boggles me even when I'm back here right now. Settling back in the tempo of life here.

I will have several posts for each day of my trip over there in cambodia as i get pictures from my team members. Its gonna be great so stay tuned.

It just seems as it was part of a dream, so real that it seems to have a great impact on my life, words can't describe how I feel at this moment. So all I can say is that: God is good, yeah, all the time.

The sound of ... an Airplane?

2006-08-19T07:10:00.000+08:00

My bags are packed... I'm ready to go....

Off to Cambodia i go!

cyazzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
:)

What i want

2006-08-15T09:08:00.000+08:00

My blogs getting boring...
It needs pictures..

I don't like it bland...
Sigh...

So, this is what I'm gonna do,
...
........
...............
......................
hmm.................

Time to buy a camera...
And allow you guys to look at the world through my eyes =P

bwahahha..
Time has come for a change

Eureka!

2006-08-13T19:28:00.000+08:00

Man, for the past month, I've been in this deep dark hole which I actually dug up for myself. Emotions are sometimes such hard things to deal with, especially when God's concerned. Struggling alone, in solitude, is like facing your own demons on their turf. And it is a deep heartache and a fight where you actually cling to dear sanity.

In solitude, thats where most people get to meet God, utter silence actually makes the your situation worse, tenfold, hundredfold, totally depends on the individual. What I've experienced myself is that even in this life which is "like the ash that the wind blows away" there is a time for everything under the sun. And these things, "if your walking the walk and talking the talk", would only be revealed when that time comes. When? God knows.

Thankfully, there are no rules in prayer. Be it long, short, mutterings, or just a plain "hi", God listens. He always does. And most of the time, He answers. Thats when it's our turn to lend Him our ears. And, for me, what He tells me is completely the opposite of what I want. And at these times, its when I really struggle with the things I recieve.

It's like asking your dad, "Dad, I want that train set!" and he goes, Im gonna get you that remote control car". But you retaliate, "Dad! I really want that train set!" and he, totally calm, gives you a wink, and buys the car. Several days later, after completing the self assembled car, you realise how fun it was, and how much you learnt. Then your dad asks "Now, how bout that train set?"...

God's amazing. A father that can stand all the nagging and complaints that we give him, and when He blesses us, He does it with a bang. And normally, people being short sighted, that's me actually, physically and spiritually =P, but I'm learning! can't really see what God has installed for us until He unveils the whole picture. Sometimes He allows us to go through stuff to prepare us, for the future, in His awesome plan, alot of things which are gonna happen are just around the corner, He just wants to know that your ready, emotionally, spiritually, physically and psychologically.

There are times when I'm totally lost not knowing what to do, who to ask for assistance. No friends that can truly understand me, no one around me that I am able to turn to. However, since theres noone, I turn to Him, the one saved me from death, literally with all my problems, worries and personal turmoil, somehow in His own awe inspiring and totally radical way, He liberates me from the inside.

Break Point

2006-08-10T20:32:00.000+08:00

I've never updated my blog much on my life as it's a bore. The going on's and in's in my life are munite compared to what i can write with my thoughts. But, I guess this is a lil input on whats been going on for the past month or two.

Much has happend both good and bad. My physical condition is in a literal bad state, kinda like a car without tuning, squeaks here and there along with that "chugga chugga" noise they make when they're about to break down.

Attending class 5 days a week, 12 hours away from home a day, waking up at 6:45 in the morning and a heapload of assignments, my diet for the past 2 terms. So far there's been no "breather holidays" in my semester as I'm about to finish off my first degree year and moving on to my final year.

Heres how I feel at the moment:

"Your in a desert, thirsty, hungry and totally exhausted. Before you not too far away, is an oasis. You've been trying to reach this destination for quite a while now, slowly crawling your way there. You tell yourself to hold on cause by God's grace your gonna make it."

Yeah so thats pretty much how I feel. On the inside however, is totally different. Kinda like some alternate dimension which some understand and some might not. As in, your body is so tired yet your spirit is thriving. That kinda thing.

My spirit has been well rested, rejuvenated, very much alive and is eagerly awaiting things to happen (no idea what tho), whilst my body is a lump of tired flesh which is dying for some good rest.

On my knees

2006-08-07T17:30:00.000+08:00

On my knees,
I quieten my heart down, the pulse in my veins begin to slow,
With my head to the ground, my expectation of Him begins to grow.

On my knees,
With my eyes closed, I filter out the noise around me,
Hands lifted, I bring Him praise.
Sometimes I feel tears flow, because He lets me see,
the power of His mercy and grace.

On my knees,
I converse with Him, saying sorry for the wrong things I've done,
However to Him it all seems, He's happy that I'm back as His prodigal son.
Asking for directions of where should I go,
Without another word He just tells me follow.

On my knees,
I am granted revelation,
Sometimes things beyond my own comprehension.
I'm glad that I'm walking in the Light,
and I pray that I will never lose sight.

Amen.

Deception

2006-08-03T18:10:00.000+08:00

Ah, my dear blog. Time to literate my thoughts. It has been quite some time since I thought of it. And it seems that everytime I linger on this, i tend to get more confused. But after yesterday night, it all seems so clear now.. (well i hope it'll stay clear till the end).

There are times, people play it by ear, some by the book, and some by instinct or some call it playing it smart.

However no matter how we act think or decide, we all turn in circles in the end. Confusing? I'll explain. Fashion, a growing and everchanging trend, has dated probably till when Adam and Eve got booted out from the Garden of Eden. Now, in our age, fashion has integrated into society, wearing glamourous, casual, sexy and so on. However, many people I know have been chasing these.. trends, which has caused them to gain nothing. Why do people fall into these petty things? Lemme start from a war dated a long time ago,when the devil fell from heaven, he had only ONE power. Deception. Intrigued? Read on.

One of the highest ranked angels known in Heavens hierachy, in pride, committed sin. Waged war with God. Banished from heaven. Thrown onto the earth. Given the title prince of the air, with the authority to deceive. A thousand years will he be held. Sentenced to burn forever.

Not everything on earth is what it seems. At times people's eyes are clouded and their minds become confused with what they hear and what they see. Sight and Hearing are a humans most important senses, and with them being so crucial, they are easy to manipulate.

Alot of people think the devil's in hell. Theologically, that is untrue. Some people think that it 's his home. Even more untrue. Now where do you think he is? Thats right. On earth. With us. Hell is a place that NOONE, yeah including fallen angels, want to be. Ask yourself, who wants to endure my Father's eternal wrath, I doubt anyone would.

Singing competitions, Beauty Pageants, Acting, Hollywood, and the list just goes on. All these forms entertainment (to us) are actually fueled by a passion for purpose in the participants own lives. Blinded without the Word, they stumble and fall into these things, thinking that "Hey, I think thats what I want to do" and they delve into it. Backstabbing, treachery, lies, etc. And Oh, the world finds all these human emotions and deception entertaining. In which they have no clue, they're being brainwashed from the inside. (Your Eyes are the Doors to you Soul.. or was it spirit.. or mind.. either one :P)

20 years ago, people created films based on Revelations, in a very good sense, for a very good cause. To warn the church of the 2nd Coming of Christ. The "Mark" was portrayed in various ways. Chips in the forhead / right hand or barcodes on the same places. The motion picture gave Christians a sense of dread and fear, which is where the devil revised his plans, deception. As Christians, we shouldn't fear the end times, to be correct, we should embrace it. C'mon, its the coming of our Lord!!

Now, those that have watched the movie(s) are probably dreading the day when people infuse chips / barcodes into their skin. Man, if you were trying to decieve a person, who would use the same trick twice (thats what I think), and when everyone is fully aware of it?

In my own opinion, nowadays, people can actually tell if your christian or not, meaning you have God's mark on you. If not, then ...... The system of the world is now integrating. The total opposite of when this world was segregated during the time of the Tower of Babel. We're becoming One again. A whole as God's creation.

All these things do frighten me abit. Yet they are a constant reminder that He is always there for us. Eventhough we fall into the traps so cunningly desguised, He'll always fish us out (If, we want Him to).

Just Stubborn

2006-07-17T18:36:00.000+08:00

Sigh, I guess all of you have those days when, you just can't accept things and always think in your own terms. Sometimes, I just think i should kick myself when i just feel stubborn. However, no matter how people are able to explain certain things, I won't believe it till I actually see it, well you could call it just plain stubborness or I aint a naive person.

I realised some time ago, that being stubborn never brought me anywhere. Just looking at your own perspective may be enough but, missing the whole picture is laffable. Some people just need to learn how to listen. I guess it's one of the simple reasons that God made our ears in such a way that we can't close them, well in the sense where your not using your hands haha.

Learning the hard way, I've noticed that listening isn't bad at all. Considering you learn alot of new stuff and it tends to stimulate your curiousity. Well i suppose that arrogance ties in hand in hand with stubborness, you see how those two words sound so perfect with each other? Arrogance / ego / pride, aren't good traits all across the boards.

Fine, you may get everything your way now. But lets say 5 years down the road, you suffer due to the things you do now. Cause and effect, you can't run away from it. In proverbs, Solomon stresses to his sons to get Wisdom. Always saying that fools will perish. And he's right. Being wise is not all about knowledge, its about discipline and who you are inside.

I can't say that all wise men aren't stubborn. People are stubborn, in one way or another. I guess its something we have to put aside. Which means laying down pride and ego, and it might be a hard thing to do, but I must say that it does make life a whole lot better when your at peace with everyone around you, and with yourself.

Spirituality, In my own words.

2006-07-16T16:50:00.000+08:00

Spirituality, whoa, such a deep term. If your honest with yourself, it's not a deep term at all. From some point in life we'd notice that there is that "other world", and many times people are waylaid into the wrong paths. To reach enlightment "one with nothing", serving beings and objects which are supposedly to contain "power". Ask yourself, there would've been a time where you seriously doubted their "power".

When a person dies, it's been said that they lose a tiny part of their weight. Lots of people, who are fast to jump into conclusions say that thats the weight of the spirit. Scientifically, its untrue. They actually either have no idea, or explaination. Thus we all can only assume. However, there are accounts where people have died, or passed on and came back. Each having different stories to tell of their memories of the afterlife, whether they are truths or lies, only the witnesses will know. But we all know for sure. Life after death is real.

Scary I suppose, to say that we're all spirits living in bodily shells, which are physical representations of the real "us" right here on earth. It's as if we're in the Matrix, the difference between that fiction and our reality is just that the only way out, Death. Hence bringing us to the suicide rates which are increasing. People just want a way out. Which in fact is the wrong way. Thinking that we're all spirit and stuff like our physical realm, laws abide, in fact, in everything that you see around you is a law, or system this is the essence of Creation. So, what are these laws, and why do they exist?

Gravity is an eternal law. Whether your on Mars, walking on the Sun, on the moon, anywhere. There is a force that pulls. With one rule, many other rules were created, inertia for example is a law. If your thinking now that the "Big Bang" caused all this. Have you ever asked yourself how could a neutron and proton rotate around an atom? or the laws that govern the axis and rotation? the implementation? Thinking that everything just.. BAM!! and evolved, creating life.. now think again.

As far as time can take us back, people served. Religion, gods, the sky, the trees, the air, the water, the stars, everything under the Sun and beyond was served. Here meaning that they offered servitude, building of temples, offerings, sacrifices, creating laws and regulations of their servitude. All that trouble just to please. Humans serve to please their masters. Thats a fact.

The irony that we can be so, so, blind at times. Where we can't see the actual truth that just lies right in front of us. In front of everything, the simple law which has been divinely entrusted to us. Where all over the world there are witnesses and various accounts but people just turned their blind eye on it.

Being spiritual is not, how "holy" you are, how many good things you have done, what a good human being you are, how tollerant you are. All these are good traits. But sometimes we're all easily decieved by "physical terms" and things that we think might relate to the spiritual.

Imagine. The entire universe being created by just a singular law which was placed first before the continuing with creation. In the bible "God created the heavens and the earth", the setup propelled everything into motion. With the canvas ready, God started painting His picture.

Which brings us back to the topic. Being spiritual is just simple. God cannot tolerate sin. Thats the ultimate law. Humans sin, born with the deadly curse, but by His love, he embraced us and atoned for us. Hence to be spiritual, is to remain out of sin, haha, which is virtually impossible. But, we can always try to.

This, is only but the begining of it...

A Tribute =)

2006-07-06T00:04:00.000+08:00

Considering my own self indecisiveness, I now plan to ask people for topics which i could write upon! Good idea huh? Anyway, this post is dedicated to great 3 people which have changed my life in various ways :)

Now, before I begin, I'll have to advise you readers that the following material is not suitable for minors, so if your aged 18 and below, please have your parents' concent before reading. Thanks.

3 ladies, 3 different opinions, 3 interesting characters, 3 good friends, 3 names: Cheryl, Priscilla, and Rachael.

It was a bad day for me, as my sole source of entertainment, and tool for work went down the drain. My precious computer crashed, think of that as bad luck. But worse yet, I can't read or reformat my pc, leaving me stuck in an odd situation.

However,

I gotta thank God for 3 good souls which made me forget about the whole thing, well it lasted until the end of the day, which was good enough for me. Fun, joy, laughter, yeah they had it all. 3 totally different people, 1 sense of fun.

You guys are great! Thanks a bunch!

Now,

I actually wanted to write up some really hillarious stuff that they do. But it seems I just don't have the heart to do it. Guess ya'll have to wait another time. Hehehe. also I'm feelin' tired now that I'm back in the comfort of my room. I'll continue this on my next post so stay tuned! :P

C'yas.
.ps i apologise for my horrible spelling and grammar :P

Ribbons

2006-06-28T19:11:00.000+08:00

"Opening a box full tied by curled red ribbons. My heart was beating fast. What could be inside??. As promised, I untied each ribbon carefully, I didn't want to tear the wonderful gift wrap which concealed of the present. Finally, after the last ribbon my hands were trembling with excitement, and i opened the wrapper and i dropped the box. Tears came to my eyes as the box slipped out of my hands, gravity doing the rest of the work as it dropped to the floor. Grabbing the hand of the person that gave the present to me, I thanked Him."

Whats inside? A lesson. For the first time in my 3 years of being a 'true scholar' in a higher level learning institute, i failed a subject. Well during the exam, a month ago, I already knew I would do bad, but not fail. Sigh, I guess this failure does have many deep lessons installed for not only me, but probably everyone else. I know that I did try my best but it proved that it wasn't enough.

A lesson learnt. The subject was about memorizing stuff, and spitting them out onto the paper. I was never good at it, I preferred exams that were more mind taxing. Now I know that, God as given us all, yea all these gifts and the devil just tries to trick us by telling us "You can't do it", and foolishly, I complied. I learnt that when Paul said "I can do everything through Christ Jesus who strengthens me." He literally meant it. And I thank God for letting me see this through :)

Mr. Vista

2006-06-24T21:19:00.000+08:00

Whoa, I feel like I'm a kid eye-ing those massive trains sets when i was a small kid. The excitement of finding something totally new and innovative is extemely inspiring in various ways. "Microsoft has done it again", oh that phrase does not go without the massive support that they have. The billions of dollars spent hiring software engineers like me paid off well.

I downloaded a copy of Windows Vista myself the other nite and now im using it! To those skeptics out there, no worries. As long as you pc is a clean format, I can guarantee that the system will not crash / cause problems as long as you read / follow the instructions properly. What do you think they're for anyway? :P

Well, I guess alot of you have no idea how i feel. After using the same operating system for 7 years (yeah xp is old) its good to finally get my hands on something new =).

All i wanna say is.. Im happy hahaha :P

Is it worth it??

2006-06-17T20:33:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I just think to myself.. "Is all this worth it??". Well I could always just slack and bum around. Just be plain lazy, it would be such a joy. For the past few weeks I've been thinking of the time I've spent on various things, whether they were worthwhile of my time or not. Games, Books, Movies, Mamak, CG, Church, Friends, Slacking Time and my "Programming Life".

Suprisingly, I could reminist of those memories and tell myself that God has been extremely good to me, every single second spent was not wasted. And I, by faith, can say that it came to pass bacause it was His awesome plan, yeah from the start.

My ultimate prayer now is that my efforts would not go to waste, whether it was helping a friend out, being an assistant, and finally all the time I've spent in the past months putting the website I'm creating together.

Well for one thing I know that God put me through these circumstances are prehaps to prepare me for the future? But I know for one thing that He's holding my hand, guiding me along and eventhough it has been tough and hectic, I'm not giving up just yet. :)

A box of Chocolates

2006-06-17T09:34:00.000+08:00

I think the term used in forest gump is quite realistic. Sometimes I think my schooling days are quite dull and just plain boring. But, considering this year, I let God take the reigns and it has been quite a rollercoaster (which is a good thing btw :P).

So, whats been happening? Many things, too many to write out. But I'll just point some out as a summary. My life's been turned around 180 this year, why? I'm still trying to figure it out myself :P, but I think it all has to do with the Lord's sovereignty over me. I've been disciplining myself in various ways, learning self control, thats a good way to put it. Controlling my desires seems to be the hardest, in James it says that from a desire > sin > death. So, by experimenting, I found that if i controlled my desires, nothing can tempt me! (well that depends on the situation) but the gist of it is there.

Aside from that, my weeks are like working days at school, 8am - 5pm (at school). 18-20 our days.. everyday! So it seems my weeks are extremely long. And saturdays are my only days of R&R.

Oh yea, I'll start updating this blog more frequently. (I'll try to, no promises :P), my other virtual posession is in need of more care compared to this one. Watch out for a flashy flash intro into the site later on.

"It is finished!"

2006-06-11T11:50:00.000+08:00

I can barely wait till I -really- launch my current project! It's nearly done and I'm getting pretty excited. During the past 2 months of solo development, I've learned a whole ton of stuff. And when I think back 2 1/2 months ago, if God didn't plan this, -noone- on earth would have. "His will be done." Amen. :)

The past week has been tiring, long hours at school (uni in my case), and my upcoming group assignments. Pray for me, that all goes well, even though I have doubts, this time I'm putting my faith in Him cause I know He'll see me through. One way or the other. Thats His promise for me.

As for the World Cup. I will say, with utter pride, and confidence... that England will not win! :P hahahahaha.

Cheers! :)

Note to my dear leaders

2006-06-04T16:01:00.000+08:00

Okay, I think its really sad using my blog as a place to give out information for our system. But it'll be a good and reliable source to turn to if you find the site down for the next couple of months (beta stage).

Firstly, the site would have a rough 80% uptime.. meaning it might prolly go down once in every 4 days or 5 (maybe). So, I'm sorry that I can't always keep it up because Streamyx doesn't allow me to.

2 URLS: if one doesn't work, try the other.
links are posted at my "Link" section. go click.

To all leaders which have added wrong information, don't worry, you'll be able to update your own cg members in due time.

Other than that, i think thats about it... Link me to your blogs pls :P

cheers! :)

Parties!

2006-06-03T02:42:00.000+08:00

Attended a huge birthday party today, which was interesting. Compared to the "mamak" and other "dine out" birthday parties, this one proved itself to be fun and well co-ordinated. Why?

Well, i say this because it just was! I can't really explain it tho. It's like going to a party or outing which just enjoyed throughout. Even when you went home, thought about it, you'd still think "Wow, that was pretty good". Or something like that.. but if you don't get what I'm saying, then nevermind :P

As for the website, its coming up pretty good. But i'm saddened that its progress is so slow. And I need a team! Anyone interested? :P Two heads are always better than one. Programmers / Designers, i'm calling out to you!

As for my blog, which looks pretty sad, i'll update it with a chatbox and whatnot when i get the time to do so.

Till next time.

First Post!

2006-06-02T01:06:00.000+08:00

Woo,
after some thought and external insite i've decided to put up my first blog!
somehow i never thought it would be fun putting up my thoughts on the web
hehehehe =P