Time

The smell of saltwater. The gentle and cool autumn breeze; the sound of rustling leaves. Into a park I walk with my trusty camera, my symbol of catching every event would resonate in my mind. One shot, two shots, my camera clicks. The ambiance caused by the falling leaves, the emotion of the scatter of sun rays that seep through the canopy of the shedding trees; a grin shapes in my face as I thought of how priceless the scenery was, picture perfect.

My model, handsome, diligent and not even a year old; crawled. My camera went into a chaotic whir as I took picture after picture, not stopping to view how the pictures turned out. No. I couldn't everything that he did; his curiosity locked me in a trance. I couldn't stop admiring the way he looked when a butterfly landed, on a blade of grass right before him. Wide eyed and a wider grin, filled with awe and happiness that even words aren't able to express the emotions which he felt. A hand raised, he reached out for the butterfly, my clicking never stopped. My hands worked meticulously, on the manual camera which I had, working on the zoom, the blur; everything had to be perfect.

Though his blue shirt was stained from crawling, I smiled as I picked him up. My time with him was priceless. He gave a hearty chuckle as he played with my baseball cap. I laughed. Slowly we walked out from the park. There were other places to go...

What it takes

In life, though short, many times we think we are incapable of doing things. Incapable of seeing success. Unable to reach for the dream in which we so hold dear to our hearts. We always seem to fall short of what it takes to accomplish something. These feelings, depressing as they may be, keep us confined and fearful to step out in faith and answer that challenge.

In my life, I have had many successes and failures. But all in all, God's always been there. Each step or phase for that matter, were strides taken to something bigger. A lot of people in the world might say to an insane thought or idea, "What if your dream isn't God's dream?". Well, I know one thing thats for sure, when God created the world, He used His imagination, He "dreamt", in this sense, saw how He wanted to shape the world, what He wanted in it, before the world came into being our Creator knew what He wanted, and spoke His dream into being. Now, how do we know that our dream is something that God wants us to do? Quoted from Mr. Tom Barnett "The dream has to be bigger than you, seemingly totally impossible. The dream has to be something which you know you can't do unless it was God. The dream has to be something in which He can allow you to shine, and you know it."

What does it take to dream? Or rather, to watch that dream turn into reality? Seeking God out first; and all.. yeah, He was even talking about your dreams, will be added unto you. God knows what I wanted and sort of paved that path for me. And throughout the paces taken, the challenges which I've charged and met head on, most of the time without any planning; struggling and yet "enjoying" the moment or season, I have somehow or rather come out pretty good, cause I serve a good God that sees me though all these things.

It's who I am that God looked at. Not what I am. God wasn't interested at what I could do, the way I presented myself; God looked inside. And thats what it takes.

Though I know that in each step, is a different challenge, a higher calling, something which is always different and appealing to me. How do I know I'm on the right path? I'd be an idiot if I were to ask someone that question.. haha. The answer: "I just do."

Dream

A grey cloudy sky set before me, preventing any sunlight from seeping through. Far down the horizon I could see a marvelous display of sunrays which managed to penetrate through the thick clouds.

I exhaled. The icy cold air condensed my breath, forming a short small cloud that quickly dissipated. Hands tucked into my longcoat, I waited.

There she was, stepping down the bus. She didn't know I was here. Thousands of miles away from home. Just for one purpose. She had ruddy cheeks and her hair had been dyed a dark brown. I stood there, just admiring how beautiful she was.

I slipped out a box from one of my hands, maroon colored, snapped it open and eyed its contents. Sitting there was a diamond ring, on its' throne of velvet. Closing the lid, I replaced the tiny box back into my pocket.

Drawing in icy air, I gathered my composure.. "Well, it's now or never." And headed out. My boots clicked the sidewalk as I stepped onto it. My heart beat faster as I drew near, there she was, crossing the street. I judged at the point where we would meet, in my head, I imagined the event taking place. One knee soaked in ice cold slush, hand extended....

A grin formed on my face as I increased my pace. I knew, that though I have waited so long, walking faster wont make much of a difference.

She stepped onto the sidewalk, and I was just a few more steps away. When something happend. An outstretched arm from the pedestrians, and she held it. With a smile on her face. Worse, he drew her nearer to him, and they kissed. My world seemingly collapsed.

Then, i felt the comfort of my pillow.. sighing to myself, "Thank God that wasn't real.."

Reminiscing...

Pondering back at everything, flipping through my history book. Looking at what had been and that which is being. My eyes searching, scanning through each and every page thoroughly not missing a single word. Like a hawk i search, searching my past, marking every significant bit. Pieces of my life which I need to deal with, making sure Im not missing a single piece.

Examining the pieces of myself, embracing each memory, the hurts, pains, laughter and joy. As I viewing I scrunitize at each, bible ready, I reflect my previous endeavours with the Word of God. Marking them, and making a list of things "to change".

At times people think that seeking God is a menial task, something that "those" people can do, which is a fallacy. It all comes to yourself, be it whether you wish to persue that which is important to yourself, or you wish to persue that which of God. Pastors, leaders, parents, friends and family can always help you, guide, direct and be accountable with. In the end, the choice, not decision, its up to you.

Matthew 11:29-31 (KJV)

"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek
and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

At times its hard to forget the past, to forget the awfulness which I've have been inflicted with, be it in the past, or struggles which are gnawing my mind away now. Deluded by lies and deciet I once thought that I could manage our problems by myself, God proved otherwise. "Giving" everything to God was something which, I didn't know how to do. Though I thought at first that it was just letting go, but it was more than that. It was about confronting it.

Sometime ago, I began to read the Word, put it into my heart. Verses that stood out i memorized and personalized. One verse that I would never take lightly again:

Hebrews 4:12
For the word of God is living, and active, and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing even to the dividing of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and is able to discern the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

Allowing God into all my situations, I experienced Him in an entirely different way. And slowly, He molded me into something which I thought was not possible. And I've learnt how to trust Him.. How? Another story for another time. Haha.

As I think about my "to change" list again, the difference is that this time, I have God by my side. But even with that assurance, at times I fear that the situation would overwhelm me, swallow me alive, but God is gracious, one way or another He will deliver me, by faith i know it's something which is just awesome.


Romans 12:2 (KJV)
And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Dizzy

Spinning round and around... until all sense of balance has been lost, well of course with an empty stomach. Is the only way i could express the way i felt when i was bed-ridden, not a good feeling. So, lying on my bed, with the world practically in an everlasting cyclone that just keeps on spinning (imagine, washing machine)

Of all the sicknesses I've been through, I think vertigo is one of the worst. Losing all sense of balance.. is not a feeling which I savvy.

Anyway, Why I got sick? Its all my own fault anyway for overworking and not eating properly *grins*. Yeah, I've bad eating habits which I need to change. Its day four on my clock, and I'm totally behind time.

Still feeling abeit queasy and nauseous, but all quite fine. Work begins!